And Often

And often, Ricky Martin songs are in my head
And often, System of a Down are in my head
And sometimes I am sitting in my room
And often I am sitting in my room
And sometimes I want to take a long walk off a short cliff
Today I am going to take a long walk off a short cliff
Sometimes I joke about it but it doesn’t feel like a joke ha ha
I feel really sad and soft
I want to be lovely and soft together
I have a dream about something impossible to do / resolve
Big rooms. Open plan. But not quite right
"Went out for a sad walk today and took Pandora’s horse two pounds of cooking apples"
Lately I have just wanted to bite into some bath sponges!
I’m singing ‘Promise Me’ by Beverly Craven
I’m doing the low parts
It’s so beautiful I’m almost tearful
I’m scared. I'll go away. I’m in a room
Two rooms together
I’m supposed to be preparing for work
I’m switching stuff about and moving items
I’m full of trepidation but also thrilled
Bending forward straight legs
wide legged
twist from side to side
Close the back door slowly
slide big toe along floor lift big toe off floor for ten seconds bring knee back in
I should listen
I’ll burn this book one day
I don’t know any more
what to do tomorrow?
A dream of kissing on a sofa
Oooh sometimes
I hope I leave a big hole
A slow motion handstand
someone is holding me
A plastic bottle floating in the air
I’m trying to film it on my phone
pink deep dark blue evening light
remorseful I did it in the first place
"video pen pals"
I take the bin out every other day
I have a bath sometimes
I’m going for a walk now
I’m looking at a view
I’m sitting on the floor
And once it went on until 6 o’ clock in the morning
and they’re having an argument again
and no I don’t have a TV
I had a dream about it and woke up and it was playing on the radio
"Are you still making silly videos?"
I see spiders everywhere and I can’t do it
They are on me. I was terrified!
I want to recreate something I’ve seen
Three pages is a bit excessive
Is it pointless to keep going on?
Saying the same things
maybe we can talk about it
It’s 4 ‘o clock in the morning and it’s starting to get light
I’m over-the-top
I’m on the outside of something I was on the inside of
I have something in the oven
There’s flames and heat and gas, I can’t move it
I think – I’m really in trouble now!
Climbing up
There are so many obstacles in the way
full of fear of falling
He was looking down at me from a swivelly office chair
and I was below in the dark like some creature on the sofa
Oh it was so wonderful and I’ll never forget it
Maybe someone reading this will think otherwise
I need to write things down all the time
I was ready to kill him!
Not really, I was just thinking "Good God, when will this end?"
Of course I would never say this
Who wants to hear it anyway
One day I will dedicate some time to listen to all the voice messages
read all the iPhone notes
The vanity of small differences
The ball is in my court
No one has ever suggested that before but I wonder if they’ve thought it
I don’t feel like a friend
I think I’ll risk it
I’ve said enough now
They are at the airport
They are getting a salad bowl
It was all very heavy
I am on a train
I was in a shopping centre
And suddenly I’m thinking, what have we done? Dear God
I will never be allowed to have my cake and eat it
I want to do a slow downed version
I want it to be really funny and really sad
You can’t let that happen again
The advice was somewhat shit and perhaps made things worse
It can be one of those songs where the lyrics has nothing to do with the title
People don’t want to hear about it
People must think this is an over-the-top response!
That it isn’t real
That I’m being clingy
Meanwhile in the flat…
Listening to ‘Drive’ by The Cars for the fourth time this morning
You call this connection?

Featured in Old Land New Waters, published by Freelands Foundation, 2021